This week we’re not swooning over cherry blossoms or sipping matcha latte in Harajuku — instead we’re cringing at a cringeful bit of official advice handed to women. In a bright example of “how to date in 1955,” the municipality of Iwate Prefecture (岩手県) quietly pulled an online marriage-advice pamphlet after backlash, and we’re here for the spectacle. The brochure told single women to wear shoes that make them look “delicate,” show a pinch of ankle, pick makeup that oozes “demure” (控えめ -hikaeme), stick to white clothing, and style their hair into “beautiful, graceful” (優雅な yuuga na) waves if they hoped to attract a partner.
To the municipality’s credit: they did pull the booklet. To everyone else’s frustration: they claimed the advice was “not mandatory” and just “how many others have been successful.” But let’s be honest — telling women to bend themselves into a certain “gentle and graceful” (優しくて優雅な yawarakakute yuuga na) shape while simultaneously bemoaning the fact that, oh, fewer babies were being born — it’s a textbook move from the bureaucratic playbook “Let’s blame women for the population decline!”
In the context of Japan’s persistent demographic crisis this kind of move might have been well-intentioned (in a “let’s get people to marry and have kids” way), but it landed with all the subtlety of a sumo wrestler in a tea room. The press pointed out how the advice was far more detailed for women than it ever was for men — for instance men were gently told “keep your shirt wrinkle-free,” while women were told “expose your ankles, pick pumps and skirts.”
And it’s not an isolated incident. Similar pamphlets in other prefectures have advised women doing “婚活” (konkatsu — marriage-hunting) to cultivate a “neat and gentle atmosphere” (清楚で穏やかな雰囲気 sēso de odayaka na fun’iki) and stick to “natural makeup” and “non-loud colours.”
From a cultural viewpoint, this taps into long-standing ideals in Japanese society of ryōsai kenbo (良妻賢母 = good wife, wise mother) and the more archaic notion of onna-ishiki (女意識 = feminine consciousness) — where women are subtly expected to blend into the domestic sphere, prioritise marriage and motherhood, and adorn themselves in soft pastels and polite demeanour. But the gender gap is yawning wide: Japan ranks poorly in the World Economic Forum’s Global Gender Gap Index, and many young women are rethinking marriage altogether, citing long working hours, low pay and rigid gender norms.
The irony is dripping: authorities issue brochures telling women how to zipper themselves into skirts and stilettos, then scratch their heads when singlehood rises and birth-rates drop. Meanwhile, the whole “be graceful, blend in, don’t take up too much space” spiel stirs up fierce pushback online, especially among younger women who find the tone deeply patronising. One X (formerly Twitter) user noted: “Talk about the huge pressure imposed on single women in Japan.”
Of course, in Japan there’s also the linguistic soft-sell: everything is phrased as “you might want to try…” (〜してみましょう), rather than “you must.” Yet the vibe is still: mould yourself to fit a narrow ideal. In a society where seishain (正社員) permanent jobs are fewer, hours longer, and childcare still patchy, asking women to just dress better is not exactly the solution to a complex demographic and gender-equality crisis.
And let’s note the message from Iwate’s official apology: they pulled the booklet only after the social-media storm; they still defended the idea that “information was necessary to support people looking for marriage.” In short — the tips were fine because they might help single women find a match. Well, thanks. The broader conversation this sets off is: what kind of matches, and what roles will those matches force women into? Especially when the term 家事育児分担 ( kaji ikuji buntan = sharing housework and childcare) remains an aspiration more than a reality for many couples in Japan.
So, what have we learned? That the official dating-and-marriage guidance in Japan sometimes still speaks in whispers of high heels, ankles and “gentleness,” while an increasing number of women say “no thanks” to being footnotes in somebody else’s story. The pamphlet’s withdrawal is welcome, but it’s a tiny step in a long journey. As the Japanese author Sayaka Murata once described: for many women, marriage “feels like a hostage situation.”
If you’re female, single and entertained by absurdities, take heart: you’re not alone. And if you’re male and tempted to say “well, they were just giving advice,” remember — when the advice is about your shoes, your skirt length, your makeup, and your ankle, you might as well be the poster-girl for a 1960s training manual. (“Gentle, polite, and always show your neck,” anyone?)
In Japanese: “あまり目立たないように、清楚に見える服装で、足首を見せて笑顔を忘れずに。” (“Don’t stand out too much, dress neat and gentle, expose the ankles, and don’t forget your smile.”)
Yes, it’s 2025. And yes, we still have to laugh to keep from crying.
Japan, my beautiful paradox of high-speed trains and low-speed gender progress! I almost spilled my matcha when I read about that official marriage-advice pamphlet telling women to “look delicate,” wear white, and show a tasteful bit of ankle. My first thought? Sugoi! The bureaucrats must have found a time machine — destination: 1955 — and decided to bring back the good old days of obedient wives and smiling dolls.
Apparently, this gem was meant to “help” women find husbands. Because clearly, what’s keeping Japanese women single isn’t low pay, crushing work hours, or the national epidemic of men who think emotional intimacy is a Pokémon they haven’t caught yet — it’s the wrong shoes. Those unladylike flats! Those dangerously independent ankles! Shame, ladies, shame.
And the advice for men? Oh, so refreshing — just “keep your shirt tidy.” That’s right. While women must transform into soft-focus angels with gentle waves (yuuga na kami gata), men only need to discover the revolutionary concept of ironing. Equality, Japanese-style!
But let’s be fair — this isn’t about a single city’s tone-deaf pamphlet. It’s about a whole system that still sees women as demographic solutions, not human beings. Every time Japan panics about its falling birth rate (shōshika), some bright spark in an office thinks, “What if we tell women to smile more?” News flash, darling bureaucrats: women don’t need a husband, a pamphlet, or a pair of delicate heels. We need affordable childcare, equal pay, and men who know how to scrub a toilet without writing a haiku about it.
Of course, after the online fury, the officials apologized. Not because they understood — but because they got caught. They said it was “well-intentioned.” Ah yes, the classic defense of every sexist manual ever written. Gentlemen, intention is like foundation makeup: it doesn’t hide everything.
Meanwhile, Japanese women were laughing — not demurely, but loudly, boldly, and publicly. And that’s the real revolution. For every outdated pamphlet, there are thousands of women saying, “We’ll decide how to dress, thank you.”
So here’s Spicy Auntie’s advice to the Ministry of Romance: next time you want to help women find love, start by treating them as equals, not props. And if you really want to be modern, maybe write a guide for men titled “How to Listen Without Explaining.” Now that would go viral.